Great Expectations

I chose the rather poignant quote from french author Anais Nin to be the title of my blog because it seems so very relevant. In today's world where society puts so many faces and expectations on what a true woman is---wife, mother, lover, professional, daughter, sister, friend, mentor, caretaker (to name only a few), I find myself wondering if this is really society's expectations or really my own self-imposed and overly ambitious expectations for myself. The truth in knowing I have failed in at least two (wife and mother) leaves me believing that I have failed them all thus I am left questioning have I become a woman?

Can one not achieve all things associated with what is stereotypical "womanly" and still proudly wear the title? This is my struggle. Fresh from off my second divorce, I find it is not the failure to be the wife that consumes me. Though troublesome that I have yet to find and keep lasting love, I am confidant that I am a reasonably good wife, though true that could be argued. It is the lack of motherhood that has me questioning my "Womaness". You see I have lost several babies, 3 of whom I had to actually birth and hold and say goodbye to. I suppose this in some sense makes me a mother, yet I have nothing to show for it, no college tuition (or bail money---you never know how they'll turn out do you), no first loves (and heartbreaks), weddings or grandchildren to look forward to. So much I've missed out on and yet in turn I gained a fabulous career, one I would not have had had my children lived. This may be why I can't see myself as successful because the cost of this success was so great. I have yet to reconcile this within myself.

Without knowing if I am truly a "woman" (recognizing that that term for me means mother) I realize this may be why I sabotage relationships---with friends, with family, with potential life partners. It seems so clear to me as I write this and yet it's as if someone else is having this clarity.

How do I change my own definition of "woman" to fit who I have become? That is the secret to it all now isn't it. How do I accept that the person I am may not be what I expected I'd be, but I can consider myself a woman none the less. Perhaps this is what Ms. Nin meant. If we were all born women we'd be the same, but by becoming women this is what makes us each unique and it is that diversity which bonds us.